three years ago today

"Where in this deep dark place does God reside?

Our own complexity surpasses even our comprehension, I think. We are a brilliant people. But we know so little of the heart. Neither has brilliance accomplished any reign over our hearts. They are wild creatures, acting through our bodies.

They roar and they whimper. They cry and they sing. Our minds cannot cope with the fullness of the desires our hearts birth. But somewhere, in my story, I want wildness to reign free. I want to live in the wildness of my heart, allowing its song to sing life into the dying. I want to exist in the wild moments of singing to Christina Aguilera in the car with my sister. There is a joy there like no other. A joy borne out of knowing that even though she will always be kept under the watchful eye of my parents, even though she will never achieve the 'independence' so coveted by our society, her heart and her eyes and her voice is wild with hope. She invites me to a wildness, which terrifies and allures me. She has been my greatest teacher.

Oh, Emmanuel. If You are truly with me, why will You not speak? Where is my Easter morning? My heart is faint, when will my Lover return?

(Please do not read my words as hopeless, because, in spite of it all, my eyes are full of love.)"


Desire expands. Breathes. Swells. Heaves against the mind. And I am once again on my knees, in tears. This deep dark place is familiar. It is rest. It is. I am. Here.

Smeared mascara.